Ode to 2012

What a year this has been! Full of change forced and forged.
A year in which lives transformed, not just personally. Where women were raped and left to die with the final blow from the honest MAN.
A year of the feminine awakening. Of knowing the way forward is to let go of the distorted past
What a year this has been! Of knowing true friendships and photo-shopped lives. Of being able to depend on only one.
A year in economical turmoil, all over the world, and knowing the real value of money. Selling wealth to survive, to understand and cherish everything intangible.
Courted, canned, closed and clued, a year full of nasty surprises with positive reactions. Being re-elected, based on limited skill, just to be used and thrown.
What a year this has been! With a world destined to doom, yet surviving the worst catastrophic event of all....nothing.
A year that subtracted just enough to multiply. Emotions, wealth, perspective, ideology, strength and spirituality. With implicit deep rooted belief and knowledge of winning.
A year of being strategically tested and tactically tempered, with little to show for it. Finding unwavering confidence in an another's life.
What a year this has been! Questionable poetry, personal prose and those lives unaffected by tragedy or love. Prolific yet subdued.
A year marred with the expectedly unexpected, the demonically mean, the unfairly beautiful, the tortuously gentle, the honest dissimulator, of confiscated belongings, and a lonely soul.
A year with an abundance for senile memory and a champion's heart. Least coveted, but thoroughly lived with aberrations paid in kind and more.
What a year 2012 has been! A year to open the most blinded eyes. A year to define a life or several.

A year to me.

Mission: Totally Possible!

I have come to a point in my eventful life, where the time has come (again) to obtain and continue a long-term, mutually beneficial, cordial and hopefully entertaining relationship. No, Not marriage! I usually don't make the same mistake twice. I was talking about employment. It has come to pass, that economics, family dynamics, and the keeping of bare-minimal sanity, necessitates me to garner high-income employment. But finding a job in my chosen profession, in a place that struggles to feed a major chunk of its population, while staving-off epidemics of new-age diseases; is like shooting a dead rat with a 16 ton missile.

In the last 6 months I have, with some level of success, applied to approximately 500 jobs.  In a desperate attempt to get work, I have applied to positions I have held in the past, I could do, have some knowledge in, have imagined myself doing, could attempt at least once in a lifetime, heard about from others; all on the premise of my functional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual caliber and my resume. Numerous positions were instantaneously dismissed, due to the lack of enthusiastic dispersal of funds. Multiple positions were refused for the sheer 'lack of enough of experience', even when I explained that I could only get experience if someone gave me the job. That explanation has not passed muster, yet.

The other, more devastating, reason for refusal has been 'over-qualification'. For those of you who have never been turned down for a reason such as this, please remember, you're bloody lucky! It is the most queerest feeling to be told that the job you have applied for, is beneath you, and to take you on for such a position of employment would squander not just your talent, but also their money! Yup, been there, done that, and it is not fun!

Thus in the light of recent life-changing events, and lack thereof, I have decided to tackle the gnawing problem of partial, substandard, employment with a straight forward approach. I shall attempt to chronicle all those details about me that prospective employers demand in their brightest and most promising employees. It is going to mean a series of posts that go far beyond the resume. This looks longer than an all-nighter, and I don't wish my current position on anyone. But as the true masters say, what doesn't kill you, will hurt like hell!

So, with the voice over of the guy from Mission: Impossible, who keeps egging Ethan Hunt on to take the damned mission, playing in my head; my goals are set. My Mission: Totally Possible! Job: Hunt: Live!

8 Simple Rules

Life is full of shit! And then, it gets worse!

For those who haven't guessed by now, for the lack of reading, I haven't  actually been having "The Time of My Life" for the past, umm, few years. Gawd! If my therapists could see me now! But through all the turmoil that I galantly wade through, or crap I get sucked into, I have learned some very important life lessons. Today, I take it upon myself to do a social service, and duely impart a very small portion of  my hard gained knowledge.

1. Be kind and considerate, even if it kills you, and it probably will. But always remember, just because I'm kind and take your viewpoint into my consideration, it does not imply that I'm a push over or that you can walk all over me. Not anymore!

2. Never miss an opportunity to laugh, especially when you don't want to. I have gone from feeling like a satarical, melodramatic, suicidal ninkampoop to a premenstrual, peri-menopausal pimple faced teenager on a 7-Up binge (Oh yeah!). But the one thing that has kept me on this here planet is the ability to laugh at myself, and with other. It is the one thing that never fails to bring back the optimist. If nothing else, it is a sure way of pissing off your enemies!

3. Always strive to improve yourself. I am Superwoman, but I still can't do everything....at least not all at once. The one thing that always helps to keep people out of trouble is to learn a new skill set or try new experiences. Can't think of anything? Take steps to improve your own health, for he who can take care of himself, will take care of others. I am now contempleting diving, head first, into the wonderful world of hand-painting and finger print forensics, after my marathon training.

4. Never judge others. I have learned, often at the expense of an audience, that people, no matter who, will judge you before you open your mouth, and again, when you do, without even taking the time and energy to get to know you. We all have our stories. We should be grateful we get the opportunity to live them.

5. Trust no one! But always believe in those who really matter! After much deliberation and thought I have come to believe that no one in this world will live your life for you, and the decisions you make will ultimately impact you more than anyone else. But in the process of 'living your life your way' never lose tract of the people who have always stood by your side, especially those who are kind and considerate. Have faith in those few.

6. Have no expectations. This is perhaps the most difficult of the lessons learned. Humans are genetically pre-disposed to expecting something, no matter how small, in return for something done. We live in a world of transactions. It is one of the most liberating ideas...to give without the expectation of receiving anything in return. It is also the most difficult to practice. But please keep in mind, just because I give, doesn't mean I can't stop!

7. Know those who matter. Disassociate yourself from the following people: negative persons, people who don't appreciate you, people who take you for granted, persons who cannot be happy for you. If you sat and thought about all the people you know, there are many who fall into at least one of the above catagories. Think about it. At your very worst, how many people have stuck around, talked you out of annihilating entire generations of the populace? How many can you count on, even if it's just to cheer you up? And who amongst your large entourage of known people, would you stick your neck out for, time and time again, no questions asked? Those are who matter most!

8. Don't give up on love. I was once told that there's no such thing as love, and for the longest time had believed it. But it's just not true. Like the song goes "Love is all around", we just have to open our eyes, hearts, and minds to feel it.

Just My Imagination

It's been a while since I last spewed my deliberate thoughts in a forum that gives me little in return than the pleasure of knowing that I find my  potential, and possibly, a socially acceptable form of release for my hairy musings. But as good things go, I was recently made vividly aware, in an equally public forum, that the life I have lived so far has been...imagination. Huh? My sentiment exactly! It seems that the real life I have lived for a good number of years, with all its shards, has been, well, imagined. Oh! and my version of my imagined life is...not correct, and has to be readjusted to fit a different description. I know, I get to relive some really 'fun' moments without the 'fun' (or is it the other way round?)

What I have found utterly facinating is that in the alternate, adjusted version of my life, I happen to be the villan of my own imagination. Isn't that cool? I am the bad guy who has an uncanny talent of screwing things up, especially the lives of people I adore. Now that's a skill set I wouldn't wish on anyone. I also happen to be a myriad of negative configurations in a completely positive surrounding, thus creating a clash of worlds. Yup, I am the antithesis of Sita, the epitome of feminity, goodness and godlyness (since its the festival season). Don't say you weren't warned!

With that said, I have finally comprehended that the world we live in offers us no relief for being a good or nice person. It will ultimately make absolutely no difference to anyone as to what happens to me, unless ofcourse I am either the richest person in the world, or have formulated the cure for AIDS or completely eradicated Poverty (all of which I am currently working on). The fate of an individual is perhaps pre-determined by the cosmos, but the way we choose to walk the path probably makes the biggest difference, not to others, but ourselves. In the end the choices we make impact no one else more than us. So, in the light of this eternal knowledge I choose to be the nice person that I am, be the personification of an individual so many insist I be, be the sacrificial lamb that bleats only praises for hipocrits and blasphemers as they would want it to be, and ultimately be treated as the stars have destined.

But that's just my imagination!

Courting Rules

Patience, a virtue touted by many
But, according to one, I don't have any.
So, using lack-lustre performing fools
I have learned some courting rules.

It won't matter how true I am
I'll be squished like a penniless bug by a frying pan
I could argue, scream, or cry a river
But its only four lives left to sever.

A process of purposedly prolonged torture
For love, right, wrong, lost future or just charter?
An apathy shown with such blatant conspiracy
Now it hits home...Hipocrisy!

What shoulda, woulda, coulda been
Is worth nothing more than the paper thin
One versus four completely out of balance
To stay strong is now the challenge.

Those innocent looks of love and devotion
All twisted for vengeful paternal projections
But the bearer not languid nor cruel
Will vanquish all monsters with courting rules.

Is Love Free?

A question asked in innocence and glee,
Makes one think, 'Is love really free?'
No price be placed or money to fling,
Like J Lo said...Love don't cost a thing.

But what of those butterflies that roar, or being a dope,
Or colors that appear in shades of pink and heliotrope?
What of those days spent in daydream bliss,
And touches, those looks, or that fleeting kiss?

What of those angonising eons in thought,
Of sleepless nights, and of wandering lost?
And those moments when nothing makes sense,
Of ultimatums, forced sacrifices, being fenced?

So, to answer a child's question clear and true
No amount of wealth will see you through.
Love cost nothing in terms of money,
But in lives, lived or lost, it ain't free honey.

Definitely You!

Another comment under an anonymous shroud
Of an imbecile with a lot to be proud.
Nothing shows stupid this clear
As copy-paste, how original my dear!

Let's bring out the past deleted by force
Implicating lives lived as coarse
To take things out of context by right
Or just trample and publicize by might

Support never taken, as offered none
All just talk and full of air, fun.
Always ahead of every curve ball
Lying in wait to see me fall

Admittance of love, hate and indifference true,
To change a mind that sees nothing new
End in sight, its all fallen through
Its not me, but definitely you!

Three Little Words...

You're an Idiot!
What an ass!
I hate you!
You really suck!
You disappoint me.
I said so!
I'm comfortably numb.
I love you.
Nothing else matters.
God, help me.
You complete me.
Deal with it!
Let it go.
What's going on?
You've moved on.
Never give up.
Truth never lies.
You are beautiful.
Don't hurt anyone.
Stay with me.
Heard it all!
Life's a bitch!
I hope so.

Sorry, Thanks, Please.

Succumbed

Ever wondered what'd be like
To have every wish come true.
Where every person's nice as punch
And haters less than few.

Ever wondered what'd be like
To live with minds and hearts opened.
Where experiences teach us to be better
Instead of bitterly deadened.

Ever wondered what'd be like
To be surrounded by love and laughter.
Where friendship means knowing the other
Even in the midst of slaughter.

Ever wondered what'd be like
To never be sick or poor.
Where all that you need is within reach
Without a price placed by the doer.

Ever wondered what'd be like
To never be falsely judged or numbed.
Where life would fall easily into place
Even to face a solitary fate, but not succumbed.

Let The Games Begin

The ball is rolled,
The die thrown,
The horse now out of its gate.

The summons scrolled,
The outcome known,
No step back...too late.

What should have been,
Now sees the fall,
To dust that's obsolete.

The result seen,
In deficient call,
Laid at mercy's feet.

The dung flung far,
Has hit its mark,
An obvious stink its made.

To fight a war,
With a failing spark,
Will use time to completely fade.

So as they said,
When the lions roared,
In bloodied arenas for picking.

The gladiator's not dead,
Till he's been gored,
Hurrah! Let the games begin.

You've Changed

The flirty giggle when sweetly spoken to.
The wrinkled nose, to displeasure shown
The belief that all are good until proven untrue
That being nice is not to be scorn.

Being open yet playfully curt
Showing emotion and feeling
Displays of anger and hurt
Of abandoned senses reeling.

Of caring when there's no need
Being supportive even through despair
Showing the true side to heed
Even when all's beyond repair.


Smiling and jesting through the remarks thrown
Believing the strength of love will rule
Accepting rejection with grace unknown
Always nearly the friend, but a bigger fool. 


No, I haven't changed
Just marred with questions unanswered
Or, you've just never seen
Everything I have willingly offered.

In Real Life

Years gone in the moments to come,
Yet drawn longer, forced by some.

Blamed thrice for vice of victimed virtue
And boasted on by emptied value.

Questioned and accused non-stop,
Laced with venomous love to top.

When one asks for what's rightfully owned
A cowered stance logically shown.

Contradictions in every avenue
Always ready to rake in revenue.


All at the expense of four not one
Fought out solutions fun for some.

Every separation to cost in tears
For choices made in vengeful fears.

Nothing more precious left to hold
When coldly framed for taken gold.

Now to end the war of roses
In real life, not in poses.

What?

A scary thought of being thought,

Of being watched with no eyes.

Of being read, like a book bought

Of having answered silent cries.

A profound feeling of being missed

Of knowing the other's mind

Of writing in tones hissed

Of having returned in kind.

A week's work for a job done

Of greetings by many an eager face

Of being encouraged by just one

Of finding one's true place.

A cacophony of spoken word

Of knowing things to be taught.

Of being caught completely off guard
Of feeling euphoric for 'what?'

                                         

Keep In Touch

Funny how these words are said

In a world connected in space instead.

Spoken in seeming earnest voice

But distorted through the mind's choice.

Of meetings from a distant past

That forge bonds built to last.

Other touched in cyber space

Even after a failed chase.

Blocked or offed, can't tell which,

A constant drone of a woman's pitch.

Now transparent in the value placed

Or just, as usual, readily replaced.

Never uttered words not meant

Even with a lifetime spent.

In brief a moment that binds forever

Yet same ones used to completely sever.

Warmth and love where felt in traces

Connect memories of beautiful faces

So every time it's said as such

Be the one to keep in touch.

Cellulite Free

Let's take a short break from all the depressing poetry, shall we? I will be returning to that dreary mood shortly.... but first something that's been on my mind, and other parts of me for a while.

I am not a fitness enthusiast, who is inclined to get up in the wee hours of the morning to go for a run in crappy weather, and come back feeling all chipper and fab. Oh wait! I did that today. Although I must admit, the enthusiasm was marred with a mean 'don't piss me off' scowl, and the chipper and fab was switched on only post the third strong coffee of the morning. But running I did go! I know, I know. Why would someone with such a fantastic figure and an amazing personality need to do something as extreme as .... exercise? Well, it wasn't for the endorphin!

I have been troubled, for a while now, by an unsightly condition that affects millions of people worldwide. It has no known cure except exercise and Photoshop. Yes, I'll admit it! I have cellulite! Up until recently I was the mistress of my body, with very little need to focus on me, internally and externally (I know, modesty truly becomes me). But since my last birthday, with little to celebrate but a number, I took a long a look at my self and realized the person in the mirror looked old and dare I say it, flabby. It wasn't just a physical reflection, but something from deep within that made this person appear, older, and well, flabbier than she actually needed to be. It was time for a total change.

I have learned in the last couple of years that not too many people are what they seem. Inside every unable, large bodied person is a smaller, fitter version just waiting to jump out. And when the inside and outside match, happiness happens. I also realized that each one of us is a victim of our own choices and nothing you do can ever change that. Therefore, I have decided to make better choices.

I am now living my life on my terms, as meager, as they may be. I will not subject myself to a life of Russian Roulette, to gamble my well being and happiness on someone else's choices for me. So, starting today, I run. Everyday. To move forward. To be the new and improved me. The cellulite free me.

Besides, it's less drastic than my technical skills playing with photoshop.

Nostalgia

Of dwellers, escapists, clingers, 

Of the past,

A temporary occupant, visitor,

Not built to last.

Each memory fresh as dew on snow,

Yet advanced without letting go.

Reminders plenty as corners turned,

But propelled fore, lest burned.

Of laughter, tears, and torn visage,

Each story worthy of applause.

Shared and cherished not just by one,

Melting in a solitary sun.

Every adventure piqued the senses

Of moments made, now in fences.

Appreciated, lost, often learned,

Repetition never confirmed.

Of nostalgia tis said true,

Each character is as you knew.

Nothing can now change a past,

Precocious step lay the cast,

Of future moments, yet to add

To enigmatic new fads.

Boldly venture, to each his own,

Yet forever connected, as if sown.

Not A Friend

A constant reflection
Of who I was, am, and can be.
A spirited inspiration
Of need fulfilled not easily.

A tearing thorn
Of truth kept and lies told.
A laughing clown
Even as the tears roll.

A formidable strength
Of endurance and tolerance.
An intense inquisitor
Of faith and allegiance.

An incessant reminder
Of possibilities unexplored.
A gentle thruster
To directions unknown.

An encapsulation
Of everything yearned.
A depictation
Of all that is yet to be earned.

A mirror
But not.
A friend
But not.

Insane

Bitch
Unwanted
Useless
Derogatory
Pessimist
Wicked
Conceited
Sucker
Gullible
Whore
Manic
Pathetic
Floosy
Depressed
Conniving
Lost
Mystical
Old
Battered
Sarcastic
Funny
Pretentious
Dramatic
Foolhardy
Melancholy
Insomniac
Whimsical
Spontaneous
Unattractive
Demonic
Evil
Broke
Crazy
Liar
Silent
Obnoxious
Ferocious
Ambiguous

Everything but Insane....for now!

Objects in the Mirror

Objects in the mirror, never,
Appear as they seem.
Demented and twisted words
Believed only by the keen.
Faith for the wicked, trusted by the cruel,
Thought they had me covered,
But they're over by the mule.
Every action forward,
Is hindered by the few,
As if in reward
To lay the body strewn.
Conviction and belief in self
Now runs deeper than blood,
Change is the only constant,
Even when covered in mud.
Two steps forward, three steps back,
Will never propel to where it's at.
The distance covered from here to there
Will transform lives just like that.
For better or for worse,
Chanced in cake.
Tolerance vanquished by curse.
To know what's what, and really fake.
Measured words for precise action
Will lay the stage to judge.
To tweak their lives with satisfaction
When nothing has been fudged.
Destiny is for the making
To leaps and bounds ahead.
There is no more looking back
Or else, I might as well be dead.

Donkey on my back!

I trudge through life,
Fumbling, tripping, weighed down,
Unsure of where to take the next step,
With a donkey on my back.

A conscious decision, taken years ago,
To bite me in my ass.
Running away would be far too easy,
But for the donkey on my back.

Look at the bright side
I'm always a step ahead, and
Covered from the rain, but get to see no sunshine
With the donkey on my back.

Tried prying, shaking, rolling on the ground,
But made me just the same.
And changing constantly, drives me insane
Because of the donkey on my back.

Need to shed this extra weight,
But no diet does the trick.
Now brain-aerobics will make it stick
For the donkey on my back.

So into the Queen of Hearts I turn
Yet slow to command, 'Off with its head!'
Either its me,
Or the donkey on my back.

Fairy Tale

There was once a girl who'd been places,
She'd grown up living like a princess.
When it came to being queen
She chose a creep,
Who said the right things, but didn't mean it.

Halfway across the world, in solitude and work
She did as it was demanded.
Cinderella had it easy,
Prince Charming was a sweetie.
She wondered if her dream had forgotten to get started.

Abused and battered, yet conformed and swell
Vacations and children kept her going.
After more than a decade
And nothing to show for it,
Probably as the torture kept growing.

Slapped in the face, attacked at will,
Broken pieces all over.
Yet she stood her ground
For her daughters not her spouse.
And will get through, before he's sober.

The Evil Bitch, as she is now called
Has come out of hiding to play.
Ruby Slippers turned five inch black heels
Will take her home to life.
But not before she rides her chariots,
And all her dragons she slays.

(To be read as a limerick)

A Fool For All Reasons

Idiots of March are past and gone,
And the frolic of fools is upon,
Breezes of change set in motion
With undeceived eyes now open.

The inconsolable laughter still reels
In distant memory as it seals.
Where less than three is always one,
Yet belonging, questioned in fun.

Reason loses this battle within,
Yet in is not out, the world is seen.
The mischievous, the cad,
The broken ballerina, completely mad.

Now watch and learn strength endure
Pursued progress will secure.
Of what is shown, false or true
Will win the bet to accrue.

Boisterous and witty and charming and gay,
Even before the Morons of May.
Devoured in pain through every season,
But no more a fool for all reasons.

Indifference

Stabbed once too many times,
The heart no longer holds love's chime.
The soul witness to blatant betrayal
Understands, what the malicious mind had denied.

No more love, hate, or spite,
Or even wondering what might.
Ridicule, humiliation, ego thwart
The chance to move forward than behind.

Let go long ago, to be bound right here,
Every step ahead stained with mist sheer.
Pain numbed with defeated emotions,
An epitome of nothing held dear.

Deemed evil, whore, a doer of wrong,
Deeds, not words, that make strong.
Lips parted in sounds of silence
To stand up against the upsurge of violence.

Determined a path of cruelty none,
The sum of all lost, is still one.
Truth in every proposed path of existence,
Nothing left to feel, but complete indifference.

Silence

Nothing more powerful than the words in my mind.
Their soft kisses on my lips just to be kind.
Their long winding path from the brain to the mouth
But the tracks broken, they head to the heart.
And Silence.

Jumbled, incoherent, seemingly meaningless now,
What was once spoken in truth and emotion
Just lies there in devotion.
Seeing with the heart, understanding with ears
But Silence.

Dented life's curve with tears now numb
Straightened life's course to the impossibly hard.
Need out trumps promises discard
To the triumph of revenge, life goes on.
So Silence.

Patience and faith are all that remain
Not knowing my place, just a part of the game.
Hit and hurt, screams endure
Bruised egos to suffer till time turns dear.
Yet Silence.

Moving ahead, so easy to do
Yet stuck in a box with no lock to undo.
If truth be the answer, for all else failed
Nothing else matters but me to be blamed.
Now Silence.

Diseased

I was diagnosed yesterday with a relapse of something I've had in my youth, but somehow it seems to have mutated into a far deadlier form. The doctor, who diagnosed me, was rather curt in bearing the tidings ( probably a double masters or PhD with a core competency in engineering). I, on the other hand, took the news rather well, considering. Yes, my foreseeable life, as I know it, has shortened, but has not ended...yet.

Since the abrupt news, I have been contemplating several things about my life. Could I have prevented this the second time? Could I have lead a more conformed life? Why me? You know, the usual round of denial, anger, ignorance, and so on, till I finally arrived at the last stage, of acceptance. I have a mutated disease that I, and medical science, can no longer do anything about. It isn't a rare condition, just one that most who have it, do not, will not, talk about. Physically I'm pretty much the same, a hot size 4 with buns of steel and fists to match. I don't feel any different than I did yesterday or the day before, except maybe the heightened sense of clobbering someone over the head with a 'stop being a mean bastard' stick, and the occasional well timed gag reflex. Psychologically, however, I've been going through a myriad of emotions that I, as usual, chalked up to 'that time of the month or year or life', but have come to the devastating conclusion, it ain't so!

So, as any 'I'm not a doctor, but I can find out exactly what I've got' kinda person, I researched my condition. The symptoms listed are an exact reflection of what I'm going through, and they are as follows:
1. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is no longer viable.
2. Sudden unprecedented bouts of intolerance to the lowest forms of human beings.
3. Heightened intolerance to abuse, abusers, users, maltreaters, and other such types.
4. Decreased decibel clearance with even lower verbal output.
5. Excessive use of silence, not as a weapon, but for self-control.
6. Precise and exponential use of claimed logic against the user
7. Severe allergic reactions to sheer dumbassed, sociopaths with psychotic abusive tendencies stemming from lineage, and severe mix of ethanol infused logic. Could result in anaphylactic shock of said allergent.
8. Possible hot flashes.

Damn! the last one completely threw me off. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for another few years. Now, I know I am suffering from the 'say it like it is' disease, addled with the deathly form of extreme sarcastic bitchy-ness. Is there nothing right in this world?

No! So deal with it! I am.

If I were a man...

If I were a man, the things I would do...
I'd show my worth, and my core values too.
Each woman in my life would be put in her place.
I'd start with the wife, to continue the rape
For the truth she shows, bind harder, no escape.
I'd slap her, like I did my mother
To appease my male ego, I'd be like no other.

If I were a man, I'd earn big bucks
But for the girl child, she could live in muck.
I'd drink and make merry, and invest in me too
And feign interest, when pointed at true.
I'd be educated, well read, and earn my bread,
But at home I'd lie on the floor upon my bed.
I'd think rich thoughts to earn my accolades,
But practice poor, till real life is dead.

If I were a man, I'd impose my rule,
I'd hold the purse strings, and preach like a mule.
I'd have double standards, and expect the world
Give nothing back, 'but it's all in my word!'
Take, take, take till it's all wrung dry
Then blame someone else, till blood they cry.
Truth and integrity are values I voice
But don't worry, I can manipulate their choice.

If I were a man I could do no wrong,
I'd demand respect and love, as if a radio song.
Take my mother, I didn't want her anyway
And what to do of the other, she just won't go away!
I'll trample and trod till I get what I want
Better get used to it, now it's a wont.

NO!

If I were a man, I'd give her the As.
Attention, Appreciation, Affection.
For without her, I wouldn't be there.

Night Queen

Today, I planted a tree
In your name,
To show you what you mean to me.

There isn't a day
You're far from my thoughts.
Your beautiful face always seeing me.

You saw me born, reborn
Grow and live
A shade of you, but totally me.

Yours is an image I strive to reach,
The love, the warmth, the carefree.
Things you taught, not just me.


I live my life, now,
With a strength, a purpose, a force
That was yours in teaching me.

Your smile endures in my memory,
Though you made me cry in earnest,
For leaving me.

In your name I planted a tree.
To keep your spirit near.
I miss and love you Grandma....

That's why the Night Queen.

Lost!

You know the feeling, when you've lost something, probably out of your own stupidity, and you can't seem to get it out of your head.... Well, I've been having that feeling. It feels like I've been stripped of myself and can't figure out why. It's a weird thing, when something you had taken for granted, knew was a part of your existence, in some way defined you, is no longer there in your life. An empty space, no, a gaping hole remains in place of what once filled the most beautiful part of me. They say you never know what you had till you lose it. I knew exactly what I had, I just never thought I'd be dumb enough to lose it!

Loss is nothing new to me. I have endured probably as much as everyone else at this stage in my life. But, the feeling of knowing I can never have the same exact thing, ever again, drowns me in a bottomless pit. Yes, there is always that hope that the future will bring back what was once mine, and make this just a distant memory, something I have learned from, but who am I kidding. I've gone back a thousand times, in my mind, and tried to figure out how I could have just let go of something that was more precious than gold, just walked away from that one thing that was me. I have wondered, in the dark recesses of my mind, what has become of my 'precious'? Did someone else find what I had lost, and am I the only one who doesn't know? I hate myself for walking away, but did so anyway, knowing full well the consequences of staying, when darkness had fallen on me.

I feel naked! Fully clothed, in public view, yet with the knowledge that I have nothing on, and see the piercing eyes of those who look at me, and judge. You know the dream, everyone's had it, of being the only one in a crowded room, who is naked, with the end result of being laughed at. It's not the nakedness that bothers anyone, it's the being laughed at that touches our insecurity. For me it's that insecurity compounded by the fact that now, I am left with nothing to make me feel the way I used to. My memories are the only thing that serve as a reminder of an attachment meant to last a lifetime.

The dried earth now a testament to my loss. A million blades pointed at me, refusing me the pleasure of finding my treasure. I live on hope and faith that someday, soon, I will have, what truly belongs to me. But till then I am bent over, now in daylight, on the lawn, looking for my earring.

Honey Chili Chicken

I don't cook! Not because I can't, but because I've been told over and over again by certain people, over multiple years, that I can't, that I am a terrible cook, that the maid makes better food than I do. So, I got rid of the maid! But I still don't cook. There in lies the dilemma. Since the official maker of the stuff we eat has left, I have had little choice but to re-enter the room with all the utensils, and subject myself to the harsh environs in front of the stove, to feed the kids.

As with everything I do, I have taken this up as a challenge, but with a twist. I will no longer toil in the kitchen, as I had done for over a decade, with no appreciation, sometimes down right humiliation. No sir! I have now taken it upon myself to concoct, nay create my own versions of recipes that I love. And yes, there will be no choice (evil laugh in the background).

Tonight I started with one of my favorite recipes, Honey Chili Chicken, made in a pressure cooker. I know, I gasped too when 'shown' this recipe by a dear friend who is a certified chef, without the certificate. I would divulge the ingredients and procedure, besides the Honey, Chili, Chicken and the pressure cooker, but I was made to take an oath, under the condition that if I ever did tell anyone, I would never be fed. So bear with me. I will try my best to describe the end result.

Picture: Succulent, plump whole legs of chicken browned to a deep caramel color, with its skin blistered to a paper thin crisp layer. The juices freely flowing clear into the bed of potato wedges, when cut. The white flesh tender to the touch of the fork, yet firm enough to be cut off the bone. The sauce, a color of deep Mahogany with the scent of dark forest honey fleetingly tempered with bright red, hand crushed chili flakes.

I would have taken pictures, if only there had been enough time before it was devoured. The kids and the cat have complimented the chef, and I feel like I can do wonders. Now, for my next trick....eggplant lasagna....for you vegetarians.

Trust Me.

Trust me, these two little words
Mean the world to me.
Blind faith I've had before
To be burned right to the core.
No more of the mindless complacency
That ruled my life into dormancy.

Trust me, I've woken up
To face a world that's ready to give up.
Miles to go before I reap
The simple pleasures that I seek.
A path clearly charted out
Through a turbulent existence, as is no doubt.

Trust me, I know the pain
Of suffering with absolutely no gain.
In the depths of hell I traverse
With only me I have to curse.
But wait and see what's in store
For the chances I'm taking will restore.

Trust me, I know the truth
The trouble is, it's all mute.
The deafening silence speaks not well
As I struggle out of this prison shell.
But with head held high and shoulders squared
To meet MY life I am prepared.

Trust me, it's about time
To venture beyond that faint line.
As I see the face that leads me on
All will be set right that was wrong.
It would be far too easy to give up on me
But I refuse and I will win! Trust me.
  

Wanted!

In a run up to Valentine's Day, Christina Aguilera's song of 'What a Girl Wants' playing on the radio, I thought I'd share what I think a woman really wants. Every woman is different, but what she really wants in a man hasn't changed too much, well, since Adam and Eve. 

                                                              WANTED!

A man who looks after himself. Needs to be fit, not necessarily Dwayne Johnson type, but with a body to lift my spirits, and stamina to match. Needs to smell like the summer, adventure, and a dash of danger.

A man who makes the time to be with me, even through my PMS and the follow up tantrums. Someone who just holds me tight when I cry, without asking, 'What are you crying about now?'

A man who can cook, preferably a AAA rated chef, who's not afraid to try new combinations. Extra brownie points to someone who likes to watch cooking shows with me & can recreate what he has just learned.

A man who will not compare me to his mother, or for that matter with my mother, in any respect. I am my own person, and if my cooking isn't as good as mom's, that's probably because I"M NOT YOUR MOTHER!

A man with whom I can share silence with. Someone who leaves me speechless, in a good way.

A man, who respects women. Someone who respects me, and will treat me like a girl, woman and a lady, NOT a chick or a babe. (Hot momma, is okay!) A gentleman! Someone who, in turn, earns my respect with his good deeds and words.

A man who is strong enough to share his emotions and deepest, darkest secrets with me, and trustworthy enough for me to tell him mine. You know, the shit even my mother doesn't know kinda stuff.

A man who listens, NOT just hears what I have to say. I don't always need you to understand me, but I would like your full attention, without interruptions, when I speak. Just because I'm sharing my problems with you does not mean I need advice on how to solve them, I am quite capable of solving my own issues. So, unless asked for, please keep your advice to yourself and lend me your ear. All I would like is for you to be there for me.

A man who likes to flirt but knows his limits, except with me. Someone who can look at me from across a crowded room and make me feel weak in the knees. Someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, even with bad hair, morning breath, wrinkles, sick as a dog, unshaven, in my worst moods.

A man who understands that it's the little things that count, like knowing exactly what each little gesture I make means, what my favorite color is, what my favorite flower is, how I like my coffee.

A man who loves animals, has had pets and taken care of them himself. Someone who doesn't think rescuing stray animals is detrimental to one's health.

A man will not abuse me in any way, verbally, emotionally, psychologically or financially. Someone who is fiercely protective of me, enough to beat up a roadside romeo for looking wrongly at me or tell off his mean mother. Someone I can run to to share everything with....good, bad, or ugly.

A man with whom I can be completely honest, open, crazy, sloppy, aggressive, soft, gentle, loving, nurturing, a vixen, and everything else that I really am.

A man who is completely honest with me, enough to tell me I'm getting fat, but kind enough to help me lose the extra weight.

A man who is committed to me on a molecular level and would not stray or let me stray. Someone who understands that flirting to me is a process of making friends (male or female) and does NOT implicitly or explicitly imply anything else. A man who has the sense to ask me about my male friends before jumping to unforgivable conclusions.

A man who knows when and how to use the three little words and mean them....'Sorry, Thank you, Please!'

A man who would give up every bad habit just so that I wouldn't be influenced.

A man who understands that just because you've done something nice for me does not automatically qualify you to a 'roll in the hay'. Must have the ability to be romantic, spontaneous and sensitive ...if possible all at the same time.

A man who isn't afraid of a little PDA, and is proud to show me off as his girl. Someone who's idea of foreplay is NOT 'get your clothes off!' and the words 'I love you' do NOT equal 'let's have sex!'

A man who knows I'm an independent woman, but has complete control over me, body, heart & soul, and visa versa. Someone who shows me he loves me. Someone who can make me dance, laugh, cry all at the same time.

A man who's only fear is losing me, and is not afraid to show it. Someone I would let go of not in death, but only in dire circumstances. 

Qualifying points are in random order. All the above points need to be met to qualify and proceed to the next level. If this person should be found, please call me ASAP.

                         WANTED! Preferably ALIVE, before I Die!

In sickness & ...what!?

I know, it's been eons since I last blogged, not for lack of material to write, or the time. Nope! I had plenty of both but lacked the motivation and honestly, putting sentence in things was not right coming. But I'm back, until I completely fall off my precariously pitched cliff top perch.

I have been sick lately. Yes, I know....Oh my God!! Me sick? A karate brown belt! Well, I have been, and let me tell you, it ain't fun. It has been years since I've been this ill, making me feel like I was going to die. As I writhed in the corner of my extendable bunk bed, I saw flashes of my short, extremely eventful life before me, as if the movie reel had come undone from its canister. I think I had divine visitations from people long dead and some not see in a while, so I don't know if they're dead or not. I heard voices of angels asking if I was alright, and of demons passing snide comments from afar. At one point the cold enveloped my fever wrecked body with such force, as if the hand of Death wanted to wring the life out of me. Every muscle fiber twisted into malicious knots of pain, that I couldn't imagine enduring anything worse. God, I hate having the flu!

As I lay curled up in a heap, hacking my lung out, it dawned on me that I was at my ugliest, not just in appearance, but in behavior, temperament, attitude, in my entirety. To put up with me when I’m normal, not sick and in relative good cheer is hard enough. I know, because I’ve had to put up with me. But when I exude detestability at its heights, I can be a challenge to the Gods, to put is very mildly. Who would want to take care of, let alone tolerate a female exponentially twisted form of Gollum? And in that brief moment of brightness in an otherwise blitzed out mind of mine, it hit me like gravity hits a falling apple…people who truly love me.

Now, don’t get all excited, those numbers are literally countable on the fingertips of less than two hands, of which only one person is not related to me by blood, and she lives half way across the world. This has put things, my value, as I interpret it, into perspective. For the longest time, I had invested my time, caring, love, and all rosy emotional things on people, who, when it came right down to it, didn’t give a rat’s ass if I lived or died as long as their purpose was served. But those who’ve been beside me with absolutely no expectation other than my well being and happiness, however few they maybe, are the ones who make me feel better about myself. It finally boils down to blood and true friendship being thicker than bonds forged of legalities or happenstance.

Now that I’m back to normal, which is a relative term, I have taken it upon myself to look after those I love, starting with me. Because at the end of our lives, we only remember the people who made it worthwhile, loved and protected us, in sickness and in all forms of body art!