Men at work?

God created the world in FIVE days! He then screwed it up on the sixth...by making Man! God made man in His image. That, in and of it self, says so much about God!! For, after He made man, He created woman....to rectify His mistake!

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against men. Men, in their own primeval way, have their use...till a woman finds the one she wants, then, nothing else matters. But, God did pull a fast one on us women! Look at nature. Nearly everything in nature has a 'male' connotation to it, look at the fruits and veggies you eat. And, when it comes to 'man-made' structures, well, think of the Washington Monument, Cleopatra's Needle, The Statue of David, The biggest Ball of Yarn.... you get the idea. Everything has been centered around men. Hell, even the world is round, and it definitely made many men proud!

When it comes to all things feminine (and before you ask...NO! I am not a feminist!), nearly everything includes the male of the species. Woman includes man. A Gynecologist and Proctologist do the same thing. Male and female, each completely different from the other, yet, neither one can exist without the other. That's where the problem lies. In a primarily male dominated world, where majority of the top jobs, pay checks, etc are held by men, women are fast realizing that we need to change this disparity. Okay. I'm going to get off my soap box before I give myself a nosebleed.

The purpose today, as it always is, is to complain. I have come to the conclusion that men are the root cause of all female problems, or at least mine. Take for example MENstruation. We bleed for days, without dying, a cycle which goes on for years. But the only time it stops, is when we're pregnant or going through MENopause. How fair is that? Menopause is another phase in life that I wish upon the male of our species. Yeah, I know....there's supposed to be a 'male' menopause, but seriously, does male menopause entail having hormonal shift so rampant and severe that I'm happy as pie one minute, ready to do the Cha Cha in the middle of the street, and the next minute, personally want to disembowel a staff member at the local grocery store for taking 2 minutes extra at the check out counter? I think NOT! Does male menopause require a complete shaving kit for hair you had no idea could grow in certain, sometimes, unknown places of your body? I think NOT! No, male menopause is easily dealt with, with a shiny new car, preferably a sporty convertible, and a younger 'model' who'll flatter you till the cows come home!

Women revolve their entire lives around the men in their lives, fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands, sons, barely realizing that they,themselves, are the ones that matter most. Women, givers of life, beauty and bounty, often sell ourselves short, being what is expect of us, rather than being ourselves, being what we set out to be. I've been told in the past to 'be a lady'. What the pointers don't realize is that every woman is a lady in her own way. Every woman, when needed, will show poise, grit, strength, tenderness, bull-headedness, meekness, anger, hate, and love. Why? Because, unlike men, she possess all these qualities, and can bloody well use them!

My mother was right! (yes, ma I'll admit it!). I think I'm pre-MENopausal. So, I'm gonna go out and get me a motorbike, and a cabana boy!

Eulogy

For the past few days I have been trying to write a eulogy, a remembrance of sorts, about a person who has impacted my life profoundly. But the right words seem to escape me.

How does one begin to thank a person who brought out my creative side?
How do I tell her, it was she who made me understand the true value of having three daughters?
How do I show my appreciation for a person who's sacrifices throughout her life taught me to live mine?
How do I express my gratitude to her for making me master the art of positive thinking?
How do I tell her that I am grateful for being able to recognize my own capabilities as a person, and those of others?
How do I acknowledge her role in my attitude towards the world?
How do I tell her that she was the one who made me realize what my path in life is to be?
How do I say that it was she who made me realize what family is truly supposed to be?
How do I tell her that she changed the way I perceived relationships?
How do I make known that I understand all she went through and tolerated in her life, but I refuse to make her mistakes?
How do I tell her that she was and is instrumental in my pursuit of happiness?

I missed my chance!

The MIL passed away a couple of weeks ago, making me realize life has so much to offer us. But how we face life, head on, depends solely on our attitude. Life is truly too short to throw away, doing things that don't make us happy with who we are, not knowing what love really is, or wallowing in the remnants of the past. MIL's life, and also her sudden demise, has taught me that no matter what each of us goes through during our own lifetime, we all finally end up the same way. The circle of life has to be complete. But during that precious time we are given, it is up to us how we draw our circle, and who, and what we include in it.

Thank you MIL for making me understand how I need to live MY life.

What I did in my summer vacation.

Schools have started. And as my kids venture forth in their wonderful world of education, I was made to feel like the mother from hell when my oldest came home today.

Oldest child: Maa, I have to write an essay on what I did in my summer vacation.

Maa: Great, you're a good writer. (thinking...wonder where you get that from?)

Oldest child: Ya, but I didn't do anything this summer! We were stuck in day-care...remember?? You absolutely ruined our vacation!! Now I have nothing to write about!

Maa: Well, look on the bright side, at least you won't have to write as much as the other kids.

Yes, I totally ruined my kids summer vacation. But in all fairness, there had been no promises of exotic foreign escapades, or skiing in the Himalayas. No, I had made it perfectly clear, from two months before vacation started, that this vacation was all about me. The resistance had started from the minute I laid down the plan. There would be no trips to the zoo or museums. They could continue their usual activities like karate, swimming, skating and so on. But, the entire vacation would revolve around me. Unfair!! I hear you say. Well, life ain't fair...so deal with it!

For a month and a half my three angels endured the grueling routine of waking up early, only to be packed up and dumped in day-care, a task I truly hated doing. Every morning would be the same, filled with howling cries of  "I don't want to go to day-care!! I hate that place!" Yet, I unrelentingly carted them off under influence of bribes, that were all made good on, and sometimes threats of dire consequences*. And at the end of the day I would bring them back only to feed them and shove them out of the house, to play. The curfew was extended from 7.30pm to an unthinkable 9pm, something that still makes me shiver.

And what was I doing, while my children were couped up in a room with activities that could numb every nerve fiber? Or out galavanting in the summer heat, unsupervised?

Giving examinations for the first year of my Master's program.

I'd been warned that studying with kids is difficult, with very little time for actual studying. But my kids helped me through a tough, sometimes whiny, and many a times emotional summer. If it hadn't been for their effort and sincere desire to help me, I don't think I'd have been able to accomplish such an immense task. They've been nothing short of troopers to see me through the last month of intense study, 6 papers, 2 practical exams and a karate exam, to top it. I know, I've been unfair to the kids, but believe me, they're getting their money's worth out of me, and have 3 pending vacations that they have already planned out.

Now lets hope my results are as fantastic as my kids are.






* Threats of dire consequences: "Do you want mommy to fail her exams? Sob! Sob!"

Learning Curve

I feel old, not as an extension of my physiological age, no, that would qualify me for retirement any time soon. I feel vulnerably old, psychologically. Eighteen no longer does the chronological wonders it used to, even in my form hugging size 4 jeans. My Medulla Oblongata seems to have shriveled up to form a sizable disconnect from my cerebrum and the rest of my body. Yeah! I'm stressed!

Last year I enrolled myself into a Master's program, you know, coz I had nothing better to do, and needed to fill the empty hours I was wiling away. Although a distance learning course, the amount of work required seems colossal. Nights are spent staring at pages of familiar information, which seems to need extra effort to assimilate and coherently re-verbalize. I know, I'm using big words too. Why does it feel like I'm struggling to keep up with something that would have been effortless in my youth? Too many extra-curricular activities? (as my father put it). Nah, he obviously missed my teenage years!

Learning is a constant, however trivial. But, isn't too much learning detrimental to one's health? At the moment my learning curve probably looks like a straight line, with very limited knowledge being retained for further use. I wish it was information overload, but apparently it's stress mingled with pre-menopausal hormones (diagnosed by my mother), and a desperate need to be on a year long vacation on my own. Maybe, I'll learn something new on the vacation! Time management may well be an issue, as I juggle school with kids, work, Karate, and the goddess from hell. But it was brought to my attention that I seem to have enough time to read non-educational material, bake cakes, sit at the computer for hours, galavant with friends till the wee hours of the morning, without breaking a sweat. Damn!  I could blame it on the usefulness of the topics I'm supposed to be learning, but, I'm sure they have their place and importance with other students going through the same grind. Perhaps, the apathy rises from my complacency of being habituated with what I've known for so long, that change instills a feeling of fear of failure. Holy crap!! What??

Well, learn I will, even if I have to physically join the ends of my learning curve together. The socks are being pulled up, the glasses are being pushed back. For the cumulative can't dos & won't dos, there is only one reason to keep going.... my progress, my success, my betterment! (okay, that was 3 reasons).

But hey, the biggest push comes when my kids tell their friends, 'Our mom goes to school too.'

Horrible Housewife!!

I know I'm late celebrating, but honestly I haven't been in much of a mood. Yes, it's that time of the year again. No, not taxes, that's much too exciting. It's been 3 years since I had this baby, and as I've seen it grow over time. I have this uncanny feeling that I too have grown with it. This blog has seriously helped me unleash the dormant monster in me that I knew existed but was too scared to let loose on the world. But hey, you can't save every one. So with that spirit I shall continue the pursuit of bringing to you the gory snippets of my interesting life.

Over the years I have been called many things, most of them not repeatable for the fear of being obscene. The list, however, just grew as my limited skill sets become more apparent to those around me. Let's, for the sake of fun and clarity, review some of my past triumphs.

I have been the unwaivering bitch to those whose points of view I contest. Although this has been a constant feature of my personality, the number of people joining the opinion poll seems to be growing. Being malicious is not a trait I identify with, and will not stoop to that level. However, being a bitch qualifies me to have a good time, and still piss the hell out of people who don't have the balls enough to join me.
I have been touted to be the Daughter-in-law from 'hell and then some'! This one is a matter of (one) personal  opinion, which invariably over-qualifies me to be a bitch. What can I say? Some of are just borne to stardom!
Now to my personal favorite. The world's worst cook. Yes, after slogging and slaving in front of a hot stove, providing nutritious meals to the family, all I get in return are derogatory comments and sometimes looks of pure disgust. So I have come up with a solution...don't cook! One man's rubbish is another man's gold, so go find your own gold (or rubbish, as the case may be).
I haven't been openly called this, but you can always get the vibes. Monster wife! I think this stems off from the total bitch and DIL from hell thing, but I can't be sure, since 'he who will not be named' is smart enough to preserve his still remaining functional body parts.
Bad Mommy! Oh yeah! I have often been labelled the bad mother as my parenting skills include, but are not limited to, playing with my children, many a times in a rough boisterous manner that makes my girls tougher, pushing my kids to do things that most mothers would avoid making their girls do (contact sports, oration, and the likes), refusing to let their hair grow out...coz it looks terrible, screaming & shouting or being extremely openly lovey dovey with them in public. Yes people, I am the mother from the other side of hell, who doesn't believe in pestering her children to do their homework, will let them figure out how to deal with stupid people on their own, and who lets them swim by themselves. I have been told time and time again that my parenting skills, or lack thereof, won't help my kids, that is probably the reason each one of my three girls is top of her class, excels in her chosen sport, and can speak her mind regardless of who stands in front of her. Me, bad mommy!!

The above have been labels unfairly pinned on my early twenty-ish frame, and I, in all honesty, used to resent it till I figured...people are always judgmental and avoid the truth if inconvenient to them. But the new label is something I don't think I am in a position to contest.

I was dumped earlier this month for a younger and better model. Inevitable I suppose. I had hoped that all I had put into the relationship would have made it last, but it was not meant to be. The dependence I had on this being, had made me so complacent that till the day it happened, I kept fooling my self into a false sense of security. Then I was left...all by myself!! This experience did bring out the glaring fact that I am incapable of doing certain things, of keeping things in order as they should be, of juggling 10,000 things simultaneously and looking like Angelina Jolie while doing it. Things fall apart, but I had no idea they would instantly.

I hate my maid for leaving me and making me the horrible housewife!

Where's my Brad Pitt?

No Contest

The sky was ablaze last night with the light of fireworks. If viewed from space it would have triggered an inter galactic war with other life forces who have been avoiding us thus far. The unearthly phenomenon would have been seen only in India. No, it wasn't Diwali, the festival of lights, nor was it Independance day, both of which don't get the same respect as yesterday recieved.

Yesterday was the semi-final cricket match between India and Pakistan. What? you say? For all my non cricketing readers, cricket is a game that has 11 grown men whacking a hard cork ball, capable of splintering a skull open, with a bat, only to have another 11 grown men chase the damn thing as if their life depended on it. In yesterday's game, each player's did. Politically there is no blood lost between these two countries, who up until 61 years ago shared the same history, geography and biology. But then broke up like a bad marriage. Yes they are neighbours and for the most part, cordial ones. But when these two nations face off in a cricket match, the entire region of the southern continent comes to a screeching halt.

For one of the most productive countries in the world, with an economy that is running ahead of the rest, India came to a stand still yesterday afternoon. The streets were devoid of cars and even the traffic police took the day off, leaving the few misdemeanors to fend for themselves. The streets all over the country were empty, as the majority of the 1 billion population stayed indoors or glued to a TV screen near them. We could have had Godzilla, Predator, and every other unimaginable monsters come wreck havoc in our cities, and the collective response would have been ' Hold up! Sachin's batting". Most chartered flight were operating only in the direction of Mohali, where the match was underway. Yes, India was a haven yesterday, for all things cricket.

Today, as the cricketing high starts to subside and life returns to 'normal', there is only a weak buzz in anticipation of the Cricket World Cup Final match up between Sri Lanka and India, because for all needs and purposes, India has won the only match worth playing...against Pakistan.

Now, imagine if we were still one country...we'd have no contenders.

Toilets in reptile house!

I,I...see stupid people! (voice over: Hailey Joel Osmond from The Sixth Sense)

We went to the zoo yesterday. Two hours of undulating road, through the heart of the Indian capital, on foot, to look at caged animals is a feat, but to do it with three hyper monkeys, a senile sloth, and a grumpy gorilla is an undertaking of the Gods. I am not particularly fond of zoos. The concept of caging animals for the viewing pleasure of humans seems just as misguided as placing toilets in the reptile house. But alas, the things we put up with for our children!

The day was spent looking at different species of animals. The monkeys (the caged ones), seem to enjoy watching my cackling brood as they meted out their version of monkey behavior. The crocodiles and alligators looked like they had been frozen (or maybe stuffed) and my only option for finding out if they were real, was to throw them something to eat...but I am against cruelty to animals. The mid-morning monotonous air was regularly interrupted with the roar of the only lion of the zoo. A magnificent creature prowling a 4 x 6 cage, really pissed at something. The two elephants of the facility offered only their rear ends for view, making it difficult to differentiate (for my kids) who was Indian and who was African. To me, one ass is the same as another! The bears, the giraffes, the tigers, the dogs, looked as lazy as I felt. The hours seem to crawl by at a devastatingly slow pace.

Now back to the beginning. People, especially stupid ones, irk me to no end. The zoo is supposed to be a sanctuary for animals. But how on earth or other wise are these animals safe in cages, when dimwitted idiots throw things in?
 Imagine for a minute, a beautiful Jaguar basking in the sun. It's glossy coat all a shimmer, it's breathing barely audible, it's eyes closed in sweet slumber. Enter left, 4 physically grown men, with the combined mental ability of a brick, brandishing a plastic bottle. They then proceed to scrape the bottle on the Jaguar cage, waking him up. The big feline, now excited, tries to paw at the bottle, so the morons throw it in. The cat pounces on the newly acquired chew toy and gives a performance for the onlooking cheering crowd. And I seem to be the only outraged person around. What a ditz!!

 Is it just me who thinks this is totally wrong? I ain't a saint but I definitely am not cruel, and this is one for human cruelty books (as if caging animals wasn't bad enough). At times like these I just want to slap some civic sense into people, but then one must always remember; common sense isn't as common as we think! It's places like the zoo that really bring out the pinnacle of stupidity in people.

I leave you with just a couple of examples.

Empty Canvas

Call me crazy. Hey, I heard that! I seem to have found another way of pissing people off. It's easy when you understand how.

I have harbored a, not so secret, desire, for what feels like years. Some could interpret it as a juvenile need to lash out. But honestly, at my age, it's probably more a middle-aged need to lash out. To think a nice, docile, down to earth kinda lady like myself (Stop Laughing!!) could even contemplate something of this magnitude will shock the pants off many people. But alas, that is the way of being adamant.

I have given the matter much thought. Thought of the immediate and long term repercussions of my intended actions. What would my children think of me? Would I be able to explain my long researched, ambitious undertaking to those who matter? Would I be able to look my self in the mirror and be proud? Well, my kids have to live with the realization that their mom is now old enough to make decisions for herself. Since the undertaking is pretty well researched, convincing those who matter should be a cake walk. However, if they refuse to see it my way... suck it up and live with it! And as for me looking at myself in the mirror, that shouldn't be a problem, since I plan to put it behind me immediately.

Yes, I'm ready. I think I've reached a point in my life where I can take such a daring step. From what I've read, many women have taken the leap forth, although some have regretted it. But what is life if you don't try things at least once! It's now or never, or maybe in a few months, but my mind is set. I no longer have qualms about doing what I choose to do, perhaps because the ultimate consequences have to be borne by me and no one else. The scardy cat in me has now transformed into a fighting tiger. So, mom and dad, always remember, I am still the same little girl with the gurgling laugh, the same beautiful child who gave you grief. This decision will not change me.

Like they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! And, a tattoo will not kill me...or will it?

KAK

My body is, now, a temple...an ancient one. The graffiti of bruises, the cracked pillars of bone, the infallible construction of muscle, all a testament to the grueling devotion I have undertaken for the last year. I am passionate about very few things, mostly because things don't hold my interest for more than my six year old's ability to do math (2 minutes, yeah, she's good!). But to find an art form, a science, a skill that has me enthralled and coming back for more is truly inspirational.

It has been a year, almost to the day, that I embarked on what I thought would be an activity that would, if nothing else, keep me engaged with my children for an hour, three times a week. Well, I was wrong! The kids have found it tiresome, sometimes down right irritating to see my growing enthusiasm for an activity that was meant for their learning. To add to their woes, I also introduced a reluctant friend to the fun, who in turn, dragged her child in. Now a year later, the not so lush grounds of our apartment complex are taken over by 10 children (preteen) and 2 women, past their mid-thirties, engaged in a cacophony of Hoos and Has, dedicated to improving their skills in Karate.

Yes, you read right! Karate! We have all traversed the mediocre to the not so bad levels, achieving accolades on the way. Every class is a schedule made for a mortal combat training movie, with the main character (me) being beaten up just enough to survive the stretcher. The kids love that, especially mine. But I have come to realize that with each punch, block and kick I become more enthusiastic, many a times, to my own detriment. I have watched the other participants for signs of 'throwing in the belt', but most are just as crazed as me.

My partner in karate, in all honesty, was expected to drop out first, months ago, but has been nothing but the Great Wall of China. Her unwavering determination to regularly attend class and also ensure her daughter learns, finally paid off, when she punched a man for misbehaving with her children. The fact that she punched the miscreant isn't really worth the mention. The feeling of being in command, fearless, and showing her protective prowess, however, have made her a hero in my eyes. I am not a fighter by nature, and I know for a fact that neither is she, but to take a step in that direction for the right cause and not back down, is commendable. Her action has encouraged her daughter to take up Karate more seriously, and I think, that is reward enough.

So, as I start my second year of strengthening not just my body but also my mind, in an endeavor which was first ill received, I know for sure that even when I move on from this place to my next abode, there will be those who carry the torch forward. Now I just have to figure out why I pay to get my ass kicked in public on a regular basis, and still love it. Oh! because it's Kick Ass Karate.

2011 Things to do

Before jumping into what could possibly be the most thought out list of things I've ever come up with (in my opinion), I must first thank all those who read my thoughts, however inappropriate, crazy, delusional they may be. It would seem I'm more of an exhibitionist than I thought. Hey, if it makes me try harder to be better, it's worth it. So, thank y'all!

Second, this year, after much deliberation, I have come to the realization that keeping resolutions is just a waste of time, especially if you're anything like me, and practice the art of procrastination with the type of expertise that only the dead can match. It's not to say I didn't fulfill most of my resolutions last year, I actually did, except maybe the screaming one, although in all fairness I have toned down enough to stop legislative action from construction company next door. Oh, and I may have gone a little overboard with the 'tolerate stupid people' one, which has changed with immediate effect. All in all, not a bad year last year. I am now capable of kicking ass, or at least pretending to, while conversing in Espagnol with the fluency of a babbling baby. But this year I have no resolutions.... only a list of things I need to do.

I'm not going to bore you with all 2011 things I'm aiming to do, that would be like an imposition, besides, my typing speed sucks. The list is divided into 5 categories and here are the top takers of each.

1. Quit smoking. Before all ye nay sayers start with the 'Oh it's not going to happen, it's so hard', I am only aware of the consequences of failure...so GET OFF MY BACK!!

2. Ask for help with investing. My 'wealth management' skills are directly proportional to my risk taking ability and rests on the alpha of my funds availability. Exactly!!

3. Write. I know, I know. that's what I'm doing right now, but what I'm talking about is writing what I really want to write about.......I'll come to that later!

4. Gain some peace of mind. In other words... stop putting up with other people's bullshit. I refuse to even differentiate between morons and megamorons.

5. Be explicitly honest. Someone wise once said 'tell the truth, and run!'. I for one don't plan to run...I know karate!

Whatever 2011 may bring in its wake, you'd better be sure, I'm ready and meeting it head on. Wish you all a year that you want.