@)!)!

2010! What a year it's been!

A year of love, of love lost.
 A year of accolades and accusations.
 A year of joyous togetherness, of pained separations.
 A year of learning and being taught.
 A year of devilish day-dreams and; ghoulish nightmares
 A year planning, of realizations.
 A year of Facebook, of facing the book
 A year of finding myself and; losing completely
 A year of serene moments filled with anger
 A year of drama with a silent audience
 A year of violence, touched with care
 A year of highs and; hangovers
 A year of midnight messages, of mid-morning calls
 A year of being brain-washed and coming out clean
 A year of confused emotions, of decisive action
 A year of connecting with old friends and; making new enemies
 A year of flowing poetry, of blocked prose
 A year of unbridled laughter, of unrelenting tears
 A year of true friendship and; undeniable devotion
 A year of playing games with no winners
 A year of losing battles, of fighting wars
 A year of being vain, but finding true beauty
 A year contemplating and concluding
 A year counselling and; being advised
 A year of emotional deficiencies and logical growth
 A year of learning new trick, but being the same old bitch
 A year of have nots and can't get enough of
 A year being a scardy-cat, but still coming out strong
 A year of having faith, of breaking promises
 A year of feeling close while being dejected
 A year of numbered letters and letters read
 A year of rumor mills and flowers grown
 A year of inception with no results
 A year of wanting, then giving it away
 A year of looking at the past and seeing the future
 A year of self discovery, of the capabilities I never knew I had
 A year of figuring out the meaning of life, only to realize it's written in a different language
 A year of understanding what I need to do

2010! A year etched in my memory....forever!

Two Faced Dragon!

And you thought I was dead! Fat chance! I'm just slowly being crushed by the weight of the world, but that's for another post. This one is for those who judge without knowing. 

I am interested in a lot of things in life but astronomy isn't really one of them. That is until recently. Not too long ago I was called 'Two Faced' for being born when I was. Now, being born isn't by choice. I did not choose to be born when I did, that was purely my parent's fault. But the fact remains, I was born a Gemini. I saw the collective 'Oh, that explains it.' However, as per my limited knowledge, there are a few million people who have the (mis)fortune of being born in the same Sun Sign. So, the question is: does that categorically put all the eggs in one basket or are any of us individuals?

So to quench my thirst for the absurd, I embarked on some research. Nothing too in-depth, since even I have a limited tolerance for stupidity. What I learned was ambiguous to say the least. 

The Gregorian Calender is split into twelve signs...the Sun Signs. Based on the general signs & symptoms (of personalities), each sign is chalked out into various traits that a person born in that sign could exhibit. As per the most famous authority on the subject, Linda Goodman, Geminis exhibit dual personalities, are vivacious, harbor dark secrets, and can love & hate the same person at the same time (or was it love to hate? Should have finished the chapter. Damn!) For me, I am not bipolar, can be moody as hell, have no secrets from people who matter, and, Damn! should have finished the chapter.

On the other spectrum, the Chinese Calender is also split into twelve signs, but nothing as fancy as Sagittarius, Capricorn, or Aquarian. The Chinese have appropriately named their moon based signs after animals, which makes for funny reading. But, like the ancient Greeks, the Chinese have also generalized each sign's characteristics to ... counter the population problem. I am, according to the Chinese, a Dragon. A person who exhibits leadership, is strong of will, and will always stand by what they believe. I kind of like that, but then comes the dramatic picture of the world being over-run by Dragon people. Dictatorial, don't you think?

The Hindu religion's basis for astrological readings of a person is a little more specific, based on the time & place of birth, along with the family descent, and a few other things I couldn't keep my eyes open for. This is supposed to be quite specific, but after knowing some of my readings, it looked like shooting arrows in the dark. I am, according to my reading, a non-violent person. True, till you piss me off. I am closer to the opposite sex. That would explain why I've had three male cats as pets. That should give you a fair idea about how accurate this science can be.

No astrological reading, from any part of the world, can pin-point a person's personality or character. None can determine the exact path you will tread in your future or the choices you are given. No sign can tell you how to live your life. That is where the individual comes in. Each one of us determines our own course, no matter how good, bad or ugly it may be. No two lives are the same. 

So to judge me based on when I was born is sheer ignorance in getting to know me. For I am more than a two-faced dragon. I am ME!

Questions??

Networking sites are awesome! You can do things that go beyond the realm of just getting connected with friends. One of my favorite applications is 'How well do you know .....?" quizzes. Considering most of my friends I'm connected with have been childhood friends, who (for many) I've not seen since, well childhood, it's always difficult to get an answer right. But hey what the heck, it's always worth a try, you'll never know what you learn about a person. So, in the same spirit I have, after much deliberation, concocted my own quiz, about myself (duh!). As readers, you are not obligated to answer. In fact, I really wouldn't advise it, probably because getting a straight answer on some of the questions may not be possible. But don't let me discourage you!

How well do you know... me?

1. How old am I? anyone who answers my chronological age wins this one.

2. Have I ever done anything bad to someone deliberately? Family is not allowed to answer this.

3. Why do I get the feeling most people I come in contact with, are out to get me?

4. Am I hormonally, psychologically or just emotionally challenged?

5. What's my favorite lingerie color?

6. Who's my bestest friend in the whole wide world?

7. Why do I feel ill-equipped to handle things?

8. Who can I blame (other than myself) for all the shit that happens in my life?

9. When will I become rich & famous? Must reflect date in the very near future.

10. What are my bad habits? Please limit to top 3.

11. How many new activities can I take up, simultaneously, to keep myself from leading a normal life?

12. Why do I feel really girlie-girlie every once in a while?

13.Who is my favorite superhero? Think bulging muscles, under extremely tight spandex, cropped at the right places.

14. Why can't people understand that I'm actually a nice person under a very fierce exterior?

15. When do I know I've grown up to raise my kids? Again, mom & dad...do not answer.

16. When will time travel be possible? Sorry...always wanted to know.

17. Do I ever get to spend time on an island with my cabana boys?

18. Will I ever be demanding enough to live my life on my terms?

19. Is it just me or does every one think I'm absolutely perfect? Be honest now!

20. What made you sit through this crap & even contemplate answering these questions?

Answer key:

A. yes

B. no

C. I don't know

D. I don't give a crap!

Now, let the game begin!

How do you feel today?

When I was 13, someone gifted me a poster with smiley faces (emoticons as they are called today) and the caption read  "How do you feel today?" I thought, at that time, it was the cutest (don't use that word too often) thing ever. Every morning I'd get up and stare at the poster plastered on my wall, wondering "How do I want to feel today?" At that age, and most of  the time growing up, the answer was nearly always 'Happy'. But as I transversed into adulthood, those emoticons needed some serious revamping.

Every e-mail or networking site have their version of the the smiley face characters to suit peoples' moods, but none of them include the real emotions that I've been feeling. I guess technology can only mimic humans to a certain extent, or maybe it's been kept away from the darker, more turbulent side of the human psyche, which may be a good thing (think terminator!)

But as I sit here trying to put my emotions into words, I wish there were emoticons to pictorially show what I feel. I want those computer geeks, sitting in their secluded wired rooms, to come up with something that really suits my mood. I want an emoticon for 'I feel euphoric and never want this feeling to end!' Would that be a colon followed by a double or triple D (:DDD)? But that just wouldn't do justice to the feeling of singing in the rain or flying through a night sky on a magic carpet, would it? How about one for 'I feel like trying something new today. (wink!!)'? I just visualized that one, and honestly, having a smiley face dipicting that mood just totally undermined it. And is there nothing in the emoticon world that can convey ' I feel like I achieve anything!'? As inept as I am in doing most things, there are certain times when a girl feels like she's done some good in her life and can continue it without a doubt.

Then again, where are the icons that say 'I feel like shit today'? I don't get up everyday ready to take on the world and fly through my life as if on a lark and a song. I do have my off days. My hair's a constant mess, my mood swings like a monkey in heat, and I get up ... feeling like shit! What about an icon for ' I wanna kick someone's ass'? More often than not, that's the feeling I've been living with. This icon would have to symbolize the emotion between anger and murder. What about one for 'I feel so lost and want to jump off the nearest cliff''? No, these are not suicidal thoughts, just a feeling of complete hopelessness when things I've tried so hard to achieve or do for others come to naught.

We've all been there, going through a myriad of emotions in a day that only seem to get numerous and sometimes deeper in times of trouble or when everything is more than hunky dory. So why can't the cyber world, that most of us now live in, emulate those? I suppose that's the beauty of being human. We all feel, however hard assed one may think they are. Yet every one of us shows 'their' emotions in their own way. And everyone's interpretation of someone else's emotion  is based on personal perception. Wouldn't it be a dull world if we all felt the same thing at the same time?

Now that makes me feel almost human! ;)PD*

BFF!!

It's Friendship Day. So I thought I'd write something for those people who've managed to make my 'friend' list and have actually stuck with me.

YOU...

You are the one who made fun of me, knowing full well I could have snapped back
You are the one who listened to me complain about how life's a Bitch
You are the one who laughed with me, knowing full well some of the things I said were really stupid
You are the one who pushed me to do things I had no idea I was capable of
You are the one who let me be the crazy girl, without prejudice, without a second thought
You are the one who let me get drunk, but drove me back home
You are the one who held me when I cried with misery, anger or just plain frustration
You are the one who let me throw up and pass out on a lawn to teach me a lesson
You are the one who sat up all night studying with me
You are the one who calls up just to say 'Hi'
You are the one who were willing to eat my experimental cooking and survived to tell the tale
You are the one who never held back your criticism when you knew it was due
You are the one who shared your life with me, making me feel important
You are the one who stoked my ego, but kept me grounded
You are the one who heard me contemplate big life changing decisions, letting me make them on my own
You are the one who applauded me when I did something worthwhile
You are the one who took pictures of me that could make a load of cash on the net
You are the one whose picture I have in my heart
You are the one who talked me out of utter stupidity
You are the one who lent me money and never asked for it back
You are the one I got angry with, but ran back to because ....of you
You are the one who I would do just about anything for
You are the one who taught me how to love someone without expectation, stand beside someone through thick and thin, be who I am today.
You are the one who makes me feel I'm loved beyond measure.

You all know who you are. Thank you.

Anatomy of Anger

The Webster's Dictionary defines anger as 'a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a   wrong; wrath; ire.' What that basically means is that someone or something pisses you off and you blow your top (in varying degrees). But Webster's got it wrong! Anger, if you really think about it, is not really a feeling, a feeling of strong displeasure yes, but it is not the actual feeling. Anger is ultimately a reaction to a strong feeling, almost always, of displeasure. What sets people apart is their perception of that negative feeling, and perhaps the degree with which they display their reaction.


The manifestation of anger is the final point of no return, where the perceived displeasure is so overwhelming that the person under the influence (of anger) expresses those emotions externally, be it to a person or a situation, and it's never a pretty sight. Anger in any form, expressed or bottled up, is never contained to only the intended victim, it's aggressive spread is far reaching. 


So, what's that got to do with me? I'm the coolest person you'll ever meet (exponentially exaggeratedly speaking). But what I am is a very angry person, bottled up in a body that can't do anything about it, well, except scream at people and things that rub me the wrong way. Lately, however, I've noticed that the rubbing doesn't even have to be the wrong way! It doesn't take me too long to be emotionally embroiled into a situation that invariably results in the Mount Vesuvius type explosion. The situation on the other hand doesn't have to be proportional to the explosive display. No, it could be as trivial as I can't find my shoe, and WHAM!! the neighbors are treated to decibel levels even the construction company next door can't match.


I've always been a temper challenged person, always voicing my verbose opinions with a passionate fervor that few could match. Tears of conviction streaming down my cheeks, my stance poised to delivery precise lethal damage to whom so ever dare challenge, and my voice pitched to break glass if the need ever arose. That was teenage. Now, the tears have dried up, the stance is deadlier and sometimes used, and the voice hoarse from broken glass, but the anger is still there, growing, as if fed by an invisible force I can't seem to run away from or fight. 


The worse part is, half the time I don't know why I'm so angry! I start out with very innocent intentions, entering every situation or conversation with a clean slate. Keeping my mind open for something new that may come my way, to absorb, to learn. Most benign situations pass off without incidence, but the ones that involve people who bring out the (what was it that Webster's said?) strong feeling of displeasure, more often than not feel the intensity of the wrath. Many a times the people to face the onslaught of emotional upheaval are either innocent (mostly due to their age(s)), or weren't even involved. To make matters worse, I know I'm wrong in subjecting said person(s) to my disturbed mind, and end up feeling angrier, making a possibly controllable situation totally lost. It's this ability to screw up incessantly, the feeling of some deep rooted insecurity, inadequacy, low self-esteem, or just plain stupidity that drives me over the edge. It would be absolutely legit if this was because of someone else, but all these feeling dwell inside me, making it a bitter pill to swallow.




My math has been less than passable since I can remember, but if I were to calculate the ratio of situations (volatile or non-volatile) to outbursts (warranted or not), it would be 2:1.5. That's a 75% strike rate (again according to my math), which, as per many, well known neurologists, cardiologists, psychoanalysts, is already 4 1/2 feet into my grave. 
According to (here again I must confess limited knowledge) many beauty magazines frowning and anger (which leads to frowning) adds years to the face by creating unseemly lines on the face, making one look 45, as opposed to the desired 26 (real age unknown). 
If I were to ask my family and friends what they thought of my temper tantrums, they'd probably vote to put me on some strong medications. But to myself, I feel scary, not in the Freddy Cougar way, but more in the Chucky way, where i'm supposed to be a positive influence on those around me, am supposed to be fun, nice, bestower of love; but turn out to be a demon who has no clue why the hell she's being mean, horrible and angry (although in a cute body). I feel ugly, knowing full well that every time I yell, or get even slightly angry, my face contorts to resemble a shriveled prune. But worst of all I see, feel the hurt in the people I get angry with, the sometimes irreversible damage I cause, and hate myself for it.


I don't want to be angry all the time! That's not who I am, that's not who I'm meant to be. I wish I could say I've tried and exhausted all remedial methods, but I'd be lying. I thought of yoga, but the slow pace ticks me off even more. Karate helps a bit, but only to put a violent edge to the anger. I think I'm looking for something. What? I'm not sure, but not getting it, or achieving it leaves me in an uncontrollable flux. I do know this, I'd better reign in my barking dog, before I put myself down an ugly, aged, miscalculated fool!

Who am I?

Its that time of the year, again! As I 'grow' another year older in age, emotion, and wisdom (hopefully), I've found myself reflecting on my existence. I've been often told to carry out this exercise in the past, but introspection has eluded my attention (as limited as it is), probably for the simple reason: why would I want to dwell on all my faults, idiosyncrasies, weaknesses, fears, or for that matter even my strengths; when they are on blatant display for all who know me? But for the last year or more I've noticed myself change from the kind of person i used to be...hoping for better results, but probably not even coming close. So, the question...Who am I?


I am a lot of things to a lot of people. I am like any other woman, a daughter, wife, daughter in law, mother, sister, a counselor, a listener, a talker, a fighter, and yes a cry baby (when the occasion calls for it). But sometime along that path I think I've lost sight of who I am to myself. I am still the confident woman I started out as, but that has translated into a growing fear that I'm incapable of doing things I used to be able to and things that are new to me.  Being able to learn a new task or skill used to be effortless, but as the age has crept on I find I'm stuck in sometimes mundane tasks, without the urge of learning newer skills. My learning curve over the years has taken a nose dive, of which I'm not proud, and plan to rectify.


Efficiency was my middle name, until I changed my address, then it just became 'lump'. I've often been complained about...(nothing new to the complainers) that I used to be able to do everything and still had time for fun. Now, fun is getting into bed at 10.30pm and passing out. In retrospect, I agree with most of my critics, I no longer have the same panache, the boldness and possibly, exuberance as I did at 18, but way back then, I never had the kind of understanding, maturity and determination I do today. So i think I'm kinda evened out over the years.


But the biggest personality trait I seem to have an issue with is my attitude, which, from what I've been told, hasn't changed at all. After all the psychoanalysis and free therapy sessions I've had over the years, the consensus has been more or less the same...I have colossal ego problems that project my attitude as a snob, don't care what people think, superiority complex that makes it near impossible for me to deal with people who I deem not at par with me (which would be nearly everyone). But the fact are actually different. I'm not a snob. I have an innate fear of people. Human beings are the only unpredictable creatures on this planet, who for no apparent reason could turn against the ones they love. I fear that I would be the hurter as much as the hurtee if I let my overtly enthusiastic personality take rampage. As for the don't give a shit what people think, is, I believe, an extension of the fear of people. Use of negative psychology as a defense mechanism: if I don't care what they (general public) think; they wont be able to affect my life negatively. 


As for the superiority complex thing, I gotta agree! I'm good at the things I do (however limited), and not really good at taking advice from anyone, unless they have an established track record of doing the same thing better than me (even then I'm usually skeptical). I don't easily relinquish my authority to anyone without having confidence that whatever damage may occur can be handled with ease. I admit this has lately been my greatest stress factor, which I have to learn to handle better. The only visible solution is to give up my crown and let someone else be a part of the situations I face on a day to day basis. 


I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am as vulnerable as the next person. The facade of being superwoman is just that, an act. I am confused as to which direction I'm heading, if I'm moving at all....a possible extension of my driving skills. But most of all, as with every human, I find I crave acknowledgement, however small, in the things I do from the people who matter.


 I am still the bold, daring, caring, mostly eccentric person from eons ago, with a dash of forthrightness, temperamental rudeness, tougher than steel stance and a tongue that could pierce armor. But over the years I have managed to figure out that i am what I am, and who I am is a person loved.